Caregivers

Last week I was at a gathering of people who all shared concerns about the problems of chronic illness. Most of them were the caregiver types. As I listened, I began to wish that I could wave a magic wand and turn the gathering into a Codependents Anonymous meeting! These were wonderful, nice, compassionate and caring people. And sometimes that's the problem.

One after another they mentioned the stress that goes along with being a caregiver. (And yes, caregiving can be stressful.) Most of the people who were on the receiving end of care were hardly invalids. They could do most things for themselves, but the caregivers worried tha the patients did not take care of themselves, didn't take their meds, didn't comply with their treatment plans or (fill in the blank).

I reflected on my own experience with chronic illness adn the reactions of my family when I was at my worst. Caregivers try to fix us. They stress out when they can't do that. The worry that we'll die. (Everyone dies, by the way, even caregivers.) But what they don't realize is that we, the sick ones, pick up on their stress and frustration. Then we get to feel guilty because we are the source of their distress. And there's another part. As long as caregivers do for us what we are capable of doing for ourselves, we are enabled not to take care of ourselves.

Chronic disease brings loss of control. Caregivers "should" on their sick loved ones. The sick folks "should" on themselves. Doctors "should" on patients. "Shoulding" is a way of trying to gain control. Personally, whenever anyone "shoulds" on me, I do just the opposite!

What is there to do? I think there are two starting points. The first is good, honest communication. The second is to walk in the other person's shoes at least mentally. It's a good start!