When I left my second husband in May of 2002, I grabbed an armful of clothes and my blow dryer. I wasn’t running from something horrible like violence. I just could not stand my life the way it was. So I left. The only thing I went back for was the computer. I guess that says something about my priorities-clothes to cover the body, not having to go out with bed head, and the internet!
Slowly, I built a new life with new “stuff” in it. I loved my little apartment overlooking the pond. Then BINGO lupus crash! The first stuff to go was my ability to work, and therefore my jobs. A lot of the time, I struggled to pay for my medical care and food. But when a little extra money came my way, I treated myself to something at the Dollar Store or half price day at the thrift stores. I sold many of my books on half.com as my passion for music, church music, and spirituality turned into a new course of learning how to live as a citizen in the land of the chronically ill.
Four years after the crash, I tentatively and timidly went off disability and back into the work force-that was January of 2007. For three years now, I have hung onto the “stuff” of that disability period. I have notebooks full of ways that I thought I would make a living when I couldn’t even stay awake for three hours in a row! In my closet I have a pysanky kit. Pysanky are Ukranian batik Easter eggs. A really good ostrich pysanky can bring $400. Then there is a notebook with the course of “how to become a medical biller and coder at home.” And let’s not forget the plethora of Christmas ornament instructions, including how to make “icicles” out of thin sheets of tin. Mind you, I could not even grasp a tea cup but I was going to use tin snips to make the icicles! The under-the-bed plastic boxes are full of fabric that I bought on sale with the expectation of saving money by sewing. I have carted some of it around for 7 years now! By the way, I never did make a $400 ostrich egg.
Sometimes we let go because we will suffocate if we don’t. Sometimes circumstances or disease make us let go as we are robbed of our ability and security. Other times, we recognize that it’s time to start a new chapter and we choose to let go. As my life takes me to places I never dreamed I would go, I find that it’s time to let go of stuff again. As I slowly sort through my “stuff” I am remembering periods in my life, treasuring them, and letting go so I can move forward once again.
There is a wonderful story about people in Africa who catch monkeys to eat them. (OK that’s gross, but get over it.) The people take a jar with a narrow neck and put fruit in the jar. The monkeys stick their hands in the jar but can’t pull them out while holding the fruit. They won’t let go of the fruit so they get caught and well, you know what happens next!
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