Giving Up (studies in learned helplessness)

I am rereading Ellen J. Langer's wonderful book, Counterclockwise: Mindful Health and the P0wer of Possibility. In one chapter, she writes about studies in learned helplessness.

Researchers took dogs and put them in harnesses. The control group was simply harnessed and later released. The other two groups were harnessed and subjected to electric shocks. One of those groups could stop the shocks by stepping on a lever, the other group had no control. After the experiment, the group that had control recovered quickly, while the other group exhibited symptoms similar to chronic clinical depression.

Those same groups of dogs were put into a shuttle box apparatus where they could escape the shocks if they jumped over a small partition. For the most part, the last group of dogs who had previously "learned" that they had no control over their fate, just lay down and passively whined. They didn't even try to escape the shocks.

Another study involved rats. Rats were restrained until they gave up struggling and went limp. Those rats and a control group that had not been restrained were put in ice water. The restrained rats didn't even try to swim. The rats that had not been restrained, swam for hours.

I felt that way in October of 2003. I had learned helplessness. It was actually a spark of anger at a psychiatrist that drove me to the library to learn how to live well with chronic illness. (Truth be told, it was less of a spark and more of an explosion!)

Langer goes on to write, "Why try to help ourselves if we have a disease that's uncontrollable? There wouldn't be much point. Remember, virtually every disease medicine has conqured was at one time thought to be uncontrollable, and again, it took someone to think it indeterminate to find out how to conquer it."

Filling the Void

Chronic illness leaves huge holes in our lives. Some of us can’t work. Some of us can’t do all the things we used to do for friends and family. Some of us have to give up living on our own. There are a thousand little losses. Days that were once spent working, volunteering, and interacting with others turn into days spent on the couch or in bed wondering if we are worth using the oxygen we take from the air. We are left wondering who we are and why we are here.
Nature abhors a vacuum. The empty spaces must be filled. Our losses are our losses. We can’t change that. What we can change is what we choose to fill the void, to fill the empty places in our lives. Chronic illness does not excuse us from being members of society and it does not excuse us from giving to others. Mark the loss, grieve, and move on as soon as possible. Instead of being “stuck” with your old life, you have a chance to pick and choose what you will put into your life and that is an amazing opportunity!
Why are you sitting here reading? Go do it now!

Lists

How many times have we taken a nice, fresh sheet of paper and written “TO DO” across the top? We start with things that simply have to get done. And the list grows. Pretty soon it includes every single unfinished thing in our lives. Organize the sock drawer? Write it down. Untangle the Christmas lights even though it’s June? Write that down too. Oh and don’t forget to alphabetize the spices! List making is not unique to sick people, everyone does it. The trouble comes when we make lists based on what the healthy self could accomplish. Our inner list maker is out of touch with the body. It’s downright unrealistic. The list becomes an exercise in futility. We start, but pain or fatigue or confusion stops us dead in our tracks. Or we don’t start at all. Just looking at the list is enough to immobilize us. Now what happens? We failed. String a bunch of failures together and our already damaged self esteem takes a nose dive. Why bother trying at all? Go back to bed or watch TV. It’s no use anyway.

An African priest told me that your list for the day should be no longer than your wrist is wide. That’s probably five or six things. Keep the list short and then shorten it some more. Can something wait? Take it off. Can someone else do it? Ask them and take it off your list. Take off everything that falls into the category of it-would-be-so-nice-if…the spices were alphabetized. Start the one most important thing on your list. Applaud yourself for starting. Can you take another step? Good! Or try a different approach altogether. Instead of a TO DO list, keep a DONE list. Start with your blank piece of paper and write down each thing as you complete it and I do mean EVERYTHING. Got out of bed, showered, made breakfast, brushed teeth, dressed, opened mail, threw out junk mail, and so on. Look back over your list from time to time during the day. See just how much you have accomplished and be proud. Lists make good servants, but terrible masters.

Is Anybody Listening? I've Been Wronged!

Victims of crime have their power taken away. Not only do the victims feel violated, they also feel ashamed. Why? Harold Kushner describes it this way, “The shame they felt was the shame of powerlessness, the inability to protect the integrity of their own bodies.” (Living a Life that Matters). As part of the healing process they need people to “acknowledge that what happened to them was wrong.” Only then is the burden of shame lifted from the victim and placed squarely on the perpetrator.

Being a victim of chronic illness is very much like being a victim of a crime. Our power is taken away, at least for a while. We feel violated and we also feel ashamed. The integrity of our bodies has been compromised. We have little control. But people are not as likely to listen to how we have been wronged by disease. In fact, many will secretly and not so secretly blame us! In cases of diseases where the cause is not understood, the blame increases. We need to be heard and acknowledged. Only then can we put the burden of shame down and begin the process of healing.

I Know Why You're Sick

Isn’t it interesting (and very annoying) to hear people’s explanations of why we are sick and they are not? Most of them seem to give cosmic significance to our illness. Here are a few of my favorites. God is testing you. There must be a lesson you are supposed to learn. Your illness is a gift. Your illness is a blessing in disguise. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. If you had only exercised more, eaten better, stressed less…you wouldn’t have gotten sick. People actually have the audacity to say these things!

A friend was with me when I was taken to the emergency room with pericarditis, pleurisy and pleural effusions, bone marrow failure, thrombocytopenic anemia and beginning renal failure. As I lay on the gurney, struggling to breathe, she said, “See, you should have stopped smoking.” Well, yes, she was right. But my problems were caused by my immune system attacking my own healthy body parts. (And it should be noted that smoking worsens autoimmune disease, especially lupus!) It was her way of making sense out of what was happening. By the way, I was less than gracious.

Our sickness doesn’t make sense to them. Our presence in their lives reminds them that they are also vulnerable. It could happen to them, too! So people construct a chronic illness theory. It’s a theory, not a fact. The theory helps them feel safe, somehow above getting sick. I admit, there are times when I challenge these statements and not too politely. But, realizing what motivates people to say these things, I am able to let it pass.

The Friendship Ring

I have a ring that’s very special. It has my birthstone-a garnet. I bought the ring about two years after my diagnosis. I was still pretty sick, still on disability. The ring was only $30 but that was an extravagance for someone who was barely surviving. When I tried it on, I had an “ah-ha” moment.

The ring is a symbol. Every morning after my shower, I put the ring on. This is my daily renewal of my commitment to put my health first, to live the best life possible with this disease, and to make choices that build health rather than tear it down. I wear it on my right hand, my dominant hand. Every time I use that hand, I see the ring and remember.

What commitment will you make to yourself today?

When Denial Is a Good Thing

The accusation, “You’re in denial,” hurts when it’s true. The accuser hopes we will be shocked into reality. We don’t hear the accuser’s care and concern for us. No! We hear judgment. Not only are we sick, but we are weak personalities who can’t even face the diagnosis. We need another person to make us face the music. The implication is that denial is a very, very bad thing and that we are very, very bad for being in denial for even the shortest time.

Denial protects us from facing what is too horrible to think about all at once. That’s OK, in fact, it’s a good thing-as long as we don’t stay there forever!