Are Your Ears Connected to Your Mouth?

The busy-ness of life is stressful for most people. For those of us with chronic illnesses it is downright overwhelming. I have a very challenging 10 days staring me in the face. We are moving the lupus foundation office. Ash Wednesday is next week which means additional preparation for church and for school. One of the high ranking Salesians is visiting the parish. I have two youth Masses and substituting at another parish in the evening. And this weekend I have 4 performances of Alice in Wonderland with my students and there is still work to be done on the sets. There are other things, but this list is more than enough.

Reflecting on this past week, I observed myself listing these activities when I was speaking to people. The more I heard myself articulating the list, the more agitated I became. I am not sure where this script came from. Perhaps, I am trying to validate how hard I will be working by telling other people. Perhaps, I am making some kind of check list.Perhaps I am trying to impose order on the week. Whatever the motivation, the result is the same. I am borrowing stress from the future.

What we tell ourselves and what we tell others can bring us peace or turmoil. Working with lupus patients and people with chronic illnesses, I often hear well-rehearsed litanies of complaints. I used to recite my own litany, especially to friends and family. My hands hurt. I am so tired. The drugs weaken my immune system. My feet are so stiff in the morning I can hardly walk. And on and on...Perhaps I was trying to validate my suffering. Perhaps I thought that saying it out loud would make my suffering real to other people. Whatever the motivation, concentrating on the list caused stress which in turn, made me feel worse.

One night, after playing for Shabbat services at a local Reformed Jewish congregation, an elderly lady who was upset by the sermon went to the rabbi and saidd, "So, Rabbi, are your ears connected to your mouth?" Do we really listen to what we are saying? How is what we are saying impacting our health and our life? Are YOUR ears connected to YOUR mouth? Take a day to be a witness to what you say.

What Would Feel Good?

The holidays are always an uneasy time for me. When I was still the queen of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought that the uneasiness came from juggling all the family obligations, work, and the fact that I always got sick over the holidays. But almost a decade ago I gave the tiara to my daughter-in-law who does a wonderful job. All I have to do is show up. I thought part of the uneasiness came from my work which involves countless rehearsals and performances at this time of year. But after 40 years, I really have that under control.

About a week before Thanksgiving, the cloud of uneasiness appeared. I felt tired, but couldn’t really relax to rest. I felt like I should be working on something, anything, but could not get engaged. I stopped exercising. I didn’t cook but grazed on things like bean dip and crackers, apples and peanut butter. I slacked on flossing my teeth. (This is important because I have a bunch of bridges!)

When the cloud of uneasiness comes, I forget what feels good. If I do remember, I can’t muster the motivation to do it. The spiral goes down. The first couple of years after I was diagnosed with lupus were all spent in the cloud of uneasiness. Of course, I felt miserable then, so I could use my health as an excuse. Now I am in remission and don’t have that excuse.

I sat down to remember what makes me feel good. When we are feeling bad, it’s easy to forget what feels good. I feel good after I take a long walk. This afternoon I walked 4 miles along the bay. I feel good when I take a 10 minute cat nap. I took a nap. I feel good when I am reading and I feel good when I have a change of surroundings. Saturday, I curled up in a comfy chair at the library and read two magazines cover to cover. Friday, I sat by the pool at my condo and read an entire book.

A good friend sent me a link to someone’s blog post about how she comes back to herself when she writes. I feel good when I journal. Before I sat down to journal, I sat for meditation for a long time. This afternoon I wrote in my journal. Meditation and journaling feel good.

When I feel bad or uneasy, I forget what feels good. Tonight I printed a list and posted it on my bulletin board. What makes YOU feel good?

Two Handed Journaling

During a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction workshop that I recently took we were asked to do what I call "two handed journaling." I did it years ago when I was working through some old emotional wounds that just didn't seem to want to heal. This is a very simple but powerful technique to get in touch with yourself, or parts of yourself that you often ignore.

Start with your dominant hand, the one you write with. Write a simple question like, "How are you doing today?" Pause. Take the pen in your non-dominant hand and write an answer. From there, continue the dialogue for a while, alternating hands. If you get a chance, please share your experience with me!

Disaster Movies

Who needs to pay to see disaster movies when we have created an entire library of them in our minds? There are two types of movies in this genre. First there is the Retro Disaster Movie. In this one, we relive things-conflicts, nasty medical procedures, hurts, failures. Second is the Future Disaster Movie. In this one, we imagine potential horrific events. Whether we are viewing the Retro or Future versions, the result on the body is the same. STRESS! And stress makes everything worse. Stress kicks the immune system into high gear, raises blood pressure, releases sugar from the liver into the blood stream, tenses muscles, and diverts blood from organs to muscles. Our own disaster movies put us in a constant state of stress. Stress causes disease. Stress makes existing diseases worse.

Are you wondering why there is no Present Disaster Movie? When we are busy watching the Retro and Future Disaster Movies there is no time to see what is really happening now.

What are your disaster movies? How many times have you watched the same movie or variations on that movie? What would you rather be watching? Why don’t you do that now?