What Would Feel Good?

The holidays are always an uneasy time for me. When I was still the queen of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I thought that the uneasiness came from juggling all the family obligations, work, and the fact that I always got sick over the holidays. But almost a decade ago I gave the tiara to my daughter-in-law who does a wonderful job. All I have to do is show up. I thought part of the uneasiness came from my work which involves countless rehearsals and performances at this time of year. But after 40 years, I really have that under control.

About a week before Thanksgiving, the cloud of uneasiness appeared. I felt tired, but couldn’t really relax to rest. I felt like I should be working on something, anything, but could not get engaged. I stopped exercising. I didn’t cook but grazed on things like bean dip and crackers, apples and peanut butter. I slacked on flossing my teeth. (This is important because I have a bunch of bridges!)

When the cloud of uneasiness comes, I forget what feels good. If I do remember, I can’t muster the motivation to do it. The spiral goes down. The first couple of years after I was diagnosed with lupus were all spent in the cloud of uneasiness. Of course, I felt miserable then, so I could use my health as an excuse. Now I am in remission and don’t have that excuse.

I sat down to remember what makes me feel good. When we are feeling bad, it’s easy to forget what feels good. I feel good after I take a long walk. This afternoon I walked 4 miles along the bay. I feel good when I take a 10 minute cat nap. I took a nap. I feel good when I am reading and I feel good when I have a change of surroundings. Saturday, I curled up in a comfy chair at the library and read two magazines cover to cover. Friday, I sat by the pool at my condo and read an entire book.

A good friend sent me a link to someone’s blog post about how she comes back to herself when she writes. I feel good when I journal. Before I sat down to journal, I sat for meditation for a long time. This afternoon I wrote in my journal. Meditation and journaling feel good.

When I feel bad or uneasy, I forget what feels good. Tonight I printed a list and posted it on my bulletin board. What makes YOU feel good?