Turn the Tables

I had lunch today with a delightful young man who has cerebral palsy. He works with the disabled community in Portland, Oregon. He told me about a young woman recently diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. She was planning to have her boyfriend move out and determined not to live back with her parents. Why? She didn’t want to be a burden on anyone.

When we impose isolation on ourselves and when we refuse to let people do anything for us, we think we are noble. We are bearing our suffering stoically and alone. The people who love us should go on about their lives. After all, we are a millstone tied around their necks. This is an excuse! We don’t want people to help because their help is a reminder of what we can’t do. We don’t want people be around us because we can barely stand to be around ourselves. We don’t want people to care because we feel unlovable and unworthy of their care.

Let’s turn the scenario around. What if you were the healthy person and someone you loved had your condition? What would you want to do for them? Now, think about how you would feel if your offers for companionship, help, and just being present were categorically rejected by that sick person you love? We can and should do what we are able to do for ourselves. The kind of help that makes us dependent when we don’t need to be is not good help. But to deny help when we need it, to deny love and companionship when it is freely offered is downright selfish.

The next time you find yourself in this situation, turn the tables. Pretend you are well and the other person is sick. You will know what is right.